Sunday, July 06, 2003 I don't know if I've said this before. I may be driven to say it again. I don't know. I'm a forgetful girl, often confusing what I've written in my head with what I've written on paper. Sometimes I will make a perfect blog entry in my mind, and it never makes reality. Or, at least, virtual reality. Summary of long story: My father told me that fantasy is evil. Therefore, one can extrapolate, he has just told me I'm going to hell. He doesn't think so. He doesn't understand, I think, that fantasy isn't about evil...it's about defeating evil. No matter how bad the big bad is, good always overcomes. Maybe it's not overly realistic, but at least it gives us hope. Anyway, that's not why I'm posting, even though he cut me to the quick. Sometimes people do, and there's no way in the world you can explain to them why. You know they won't get it. The reason why I'm posting is: I obsess about trying to not be an ugly Christian. I am always afraid that if I say, Thank the Lord, or Jesus was really looking out for me, then everyone will think I'm this thoughtless hypocritical oppressor. But I'm afraid by thinking these things and not saying them I'm denying the God I chose. Which, since I'm not here to debate whether I'm right or not in my beliefs, I should say that if I decide to follow this religion (which I have, with much positive feeling and comfort, all my life.) then I should do it all the way. In for a penny, as they say. I should be true to it. I shouldn't be a wuss because I'm afraid that someone will see me as some vile creature. I should learn to trust people. I pride myself on not being judgmental, so isn't it wrong for me to be like, "I'm so fair and unbiased, but no one else is." So I'm not going to worry about it. I free myself. I'll assume that we are all good intentioned. Fair. Because, most people are. Still won't see me inside a church though, at least not on a Sunday. Maybe on other days...but to look at the architecture or to see someone get married. It occurs to me that people often go to churches for funerals...I've been to many funerals, but none inside a church. Huh. I wonder if that means church funerals are only in the movies, now? Now I'm going to go celebrate my Christian independance by watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer. A friend taped the final season for me, and I'm really digging it more than I thought I would. I thought the girl power potential slayerette thing may grate a bit, but I'm dealing pretty good. And Faith retuns on the ep. I'm watching, so everything really is five by five. Also, won Dido and Sara Mclaughlin CD's on ebay, which I'll spend the week looking forward to. I need new music desperately. (I know for most of you these aren't new...but I'm also catching up on my terribly neglected music collection.) Permalink Cindy scribed this at 10:46 AM 0 comments

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