Lift your Face
Thursday, April 21, 2005

Finally started raining last night. I asked my friend Kat to send me some, and I think she did...last night the wind howled, and the cross draft from my windows, set perpendicularly to each other, made the wind chimes and crystals bang against the window panes enough that I went and took them down, worried that I'd chipped one of them. It blew my hair in my face while I typed, and sometimes it carried faint cold drops of rain, when it actually started to fall. My emotions are connected to the weather...the wind stirs my soul, a wild rain makes me want to run outside, makes me feel the wildness in my own heart. I felt hyper and restless last night, but it has gone, thanks to this morning's balming rain. It's a soft day as I believe they call it in the UK, not a sprinkle but a steady fall that made me go outside before I dressed for work and lift my face to the sky. I want tea, I think, a good book, my soft blanket, and a window to sit by. But instead I shall pester you.

The only downside is that the wind might have beaten up my two tulips...I hope not. I have three coming up, and I look forward to them so much. One is scarlet, and has a sheen like silk, the other used to be one of those yellow and red stripped tulips, but is now reverting so it's yellow with an orange-red patina. The third promises to be ruffled, which is an enigma, because I though the parrot tulips went the way with my beautiful black as night not just deep purple Queen of the Nights. The daffodils and narcissi are going already, but I still have the irises, I think, to look forward to. I transplanted a bunch, and they look like they are doing so much better...but I doubt I'll get any flowers from them this year, but maybe the blue ones.

I really like tulips though, and crocus. They come when you are not expecting them, they die off early so that you forget where they were, and then, magically, appear like small treasures.

And yes. I am all better now. I just needed to write it all out of my system. Now I can go about being alive again.

Permalink Cindy scribed this at 8:22 AM 2 comments

2 Comments:

Glad to read that you're all better. :D

By Blogger g d townshende, at 10:25 AM  

Hallo? Have you disappeared off the face of the planet?

By Blogger g d townshende, at 7:07 PM  

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  And more...
Wednesday, April 20, 2005

some of my friends had some interesting thinsg to say, so...

I am not sure that living every day to the fullest is the answer. I do that...everyday I try and find ways to be better, to make myself happy, to make the people around me happy. I try and seize the moments, knowing that they never last, and therefore need to be treasured. This is how you make memories, by striving to make magic in you life.

Therefore, that must not be the complete answer. Because part of seize the day is this...that yesterday does not matter and tomorrow might never come.

The question is not how do I make myself happy, but how do I make myself worthwhile? How do I accept who I am, and still move forward, still feel the weight of my life, and who I am, rather than escaping it by seizing the day. My life is a chaos in some ways because I got so burned out, I took so much on, that I had to escape from it, and the chaos, the mess, just gets worse, a little more, every day.

Now don't get me wrong. I think that living each day to the fullest is very important, and I often find that that is the advice I give to people. Don't worry about it, live, be happy. Even when they should be doing their homework. *grins* I always knew when I gave that advice that it was not so easy to follow, and it isn't. Just as you knew it when you spoke of it to me. But I think, for me, I have to structure myself, find a new focus, I have to make peace with the fractures of my life.

Because we all face consequences for what we do. We all chain ourselves. If I break this chain, if I do what I always secretly wanted to do, I will face consequences. I do know that I allow certain people in my life to control it far too much, but I know that the other option is one I cannot live with. Sometimes we choose slavery because it is the only way, and we all make ourselves slaves to something, anyway, don't we? Our parents, or jobs, our dreams.

So that said, how do I make the life I have now one I can live, and live with? What to I cut out of my life, what do I keep? Is there something I can do to make me think, even if I end up not doing anything in particular to make myself happy, that I am on the right path, that I have a right to feel content? This is the stuff I need to try and figure out, by bits, and see if I can deal with what I choose.

Permalink Cindy scribed this at 9:59 AM 0 comments

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  Right here. Right now. This is it.
Tuesday, April 19, 2005

This has haunted me the past two weeks.

I have always been about moving forward.

On the bus, an alone and painfully unpopular little kid, even in the first grade, the promise of college was the light at the end of my tunnel. “College so makes up for it.” my mother said. I remember it clearly, though the memory is older than most of the people who read this journal.

Then, at college, I thought, I will have my life when I get married.

And we know that story. And so it continued....

I will have my life when I get divorced.

I will have my life when I get my master's.

I will have my life when my book gets published.

I will have my life when I get a full time job again.

Forward, always looking forward.

The first time my thoughts challenged this assertion I was still in college, flipping through the card catalogue at work. “This is my life.” I thought. “This is my life right now.” The thought shocked me stopped, and I was still for so long one of my bosses came over and asked if I was ok.

Here I am.

I passed each of those points save one, and my life did not magically happen. I do not look around and go, yes, I am finally living my life.

So when will I? How will I define my life? Myself? Do I define it by my future mate? Do I define it by my career? Or will I feel that time has continually slipped through my fingers, and I never have lived?

Very well then.

This is my life. This is my life right now. So how do I live it? How do I make it feel like mine?

Permalink Cindy scribed this at 5:34 PM 1 comments

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Why is it always easier to live in the past or the future, than it is to live in the present, where life is actually happening?

By Blogger g d townshende, at 5:44 AM  

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  I am Jack's Feeling of Fascination
Saturday, April 16, 2005

I am driving my grandfather's car, this squat, grey, 1988 Plymouth (not so)Reliant station wagon. (A K-Car, actually, if you know what those are.) And, as you know, I kept having problems with the electricity cutting off. Well, Monday I wore my grandmother's earrings...there was this one pair, gold, almost like a Celtic torque that she wore constantly. And my grandparents, through their lives, had an...interesting relationship. Basically, she was definitely the power in the household.

So, Friday, without the earrings, the car stopped on me twice.

Monday, with the earrings, I got home fine. Same thing Tuesday.

Now it could be the fact that I also did not turn on the radio...but nah.

I just finished watching Fight Club. I am a huge, huge fan of Chuck Palaniuck, there's something about his word crafting that is so raw, so real, you can't look away. (I reviewed two of his books, check it out, if you like, here...http://mostlyfiction.com/scifi/palahniuk.htm). So, if I keep saying, "I am Jack's " i'm not referring to the lovely Jack Aubrey, but to some lines in the movie.

It's a fabulous movie in some ways. Very interestingly shot, extremly good dialouge. Smart, cruel, funny, it asks us alot about ourselves. Tyler, (played by Brad Pitt) says to the narrator (Edward Norton) that the things you own own you...and the narrator tries to break himself free of this slavery. There is commentary on commercialism, on how we define ourselves through what we own, and what it truly means to have hit bottom that really struck a cord in me. How do we define our lives? How do we find release from the pressures that we are under every day? What really matters?

And in the end, do we simply replace one form of slavery with another?

Permalink Cindy scribed this at 8:06 PM 1 comments

1 Comments:

Hmm. Earrings that will power a car. Be careful! If the automotive industry gets wind of this, they'll have you in court and you'll not have those earrings!

By Blogger g d townshende, at 4:03 AM  

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Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Right now I'm in the middle of a very good morning. My boss and Co-worker are at important meetings...so...

I worked for nearly two hours, then I went on the mail run...I biought myself a stomboli, then I wateched this:

http://www.loc.gov/bookfest/04/cybercasts/index.html

Right now Neil Gaiman is reading parts from his new novel, Anasi Boys. Look under fantasy and click Neil Gaiman for a marvelous time. He did this as part of the 2004 book fair, and it ended up on the LOC website. It's amazing! He is an extroadinary reader, with excellent timing that brings out the charm and wonderful humor of his prose. I keep laughing aloud, which is why this post is taking so long...

I so can't wait for this book to come out.

Now I shall work on something else, because I want everything nice and done for when the guys get back.

Permalink Cindy scribed this at 11:34 AM 1 comments

1 Comments:

I saw that he had come out with a new book. I've still yet to read Neverwhere. Of all the Gaiman books that I own, that's the only one I haven't read. I own American Gods, Coraline, and Neverwhere. I've also read Stardust, but that was a library book. I should purchase a copy for my own library, anyway.

By Blogger g d townshende, at 2:10 AM  

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  halaladeday halaladeday....
Monday, April 04, 2005

I woke up with U2's "Running to Stand Still" in my head.

One of my book review sites is closing. I feel miserable about it...i loved that place, it was marvelous, and I enjoyed being a real part of it. *sighs* It was one of the ones I was staying with, too. *doffs hat, sighs*

I wonder if I will ever have time to finish posting my book reviews up. I should from that place...because then they won't have died.

Today I will go to the local library book sale. As I've been slowly ordering Patrick O'Brian books online (And how pretty they look, all lined up on my shelf! Tell me books are not the ultimate squee.) just watch...all the ones I ordered will be there, and not one I've not.

Also, brain of cotton wool girl did not bring her book list, and so I predict a lot of fussing over whether I own a book I've found or not.

I have nothing to do at work today, but wait. Maybe I'll organize my files or something. I wish I had something brillat to tell you, but not really. I've been serializing a master and Commander fic, and it reminds me, through the sheer joy of the off the cuffness of writing it, that I am a writer, and that it is, indeeed, fun. And if gives me a chance to be a naughty writer, and do time travel fiction...

I need to get back to A Palace of Bone. I've just felt...eeeeahhhh about everything lately. I need to shake this.

Permalink Cindy scribed this at 9:27 AM 0 comments

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