Everything you’ll ever need to know about Family Circle, Woman’s Day and similar magazines.
Saturday, March 06, 2004So, awhile back, my mother and I were given a bunch of FC and WD magazines for cheap at a library sale, and over the past month or so I’ve been reading what amounts to as a two year span of said magazines, and it occurred to me that you could summarize them all, thus saving people every where tons and tons of money and time. Sure, I don’t have the purty, glossy full colored adverts, but I can tell you, in a short amount of time, everything you’re liable to learn from them.
Relationships:
Listen carefully to what the person is saying, don’t fake with nodding and occasional eye contact. Be ready to comment helpfully in such a way that proves you truly did listen, but wait until they’ve actually stopped talking and aren’t just pausing for breath. Don’t be judgmental. Don’t say I and me so much. Your dress is lovely is better than I love your dress. To get your husband to help more, don’t complain, (You never take out the garbage, you jerk!) ask him to help (Amazing stud muffin, please take the garbage outside?). Praise people who help you. Sex is very, very important. More so to the man than to the woman. Oh, and be honest, be honest, be honest...but not too honest, lest your friend's heart grow...well, whatever.
Home:
Throw things out all the time to keep down clutter. Organize yard sales so that your neighbors think of you as a combination of Martha Stewart and Adolph Hitler. Organize your house. Use clear plastic boxes. Use baskets on the shelves in your closet and such like under the bed. Try to do a little housework every day so that it doesn’t over whelm you and turn passing out the chores into a positive family experience by not threatening the little bas... er...mites when they whine about cleaning the bathroom. To give your home a facelift change the curtains, paint the room and rearrange the furniture. Don’t be afraid to experiment by doing weird things that if one of your friends did all on her own you’d think was interesting and congratulate her on her efforts but just seem like abject boredom on the editor’s part.
Example: Take a perfectly nice, tall, round table and glue old fashioned close pins around the edge, then paint it all a loud shade of green, finishing the whole off with little dots of blue on the pin heads. This project fits the bill of these magazines because it a) is different, and maybe not in a good way b) creates a piece of furniture that is much harder to use and will catch your clothes every time you walk by, and c) is nigh undoable. To decorate think of new ways to do old things, and think of new ways to use every day things. Shake up tradition.
Also, remember that the cute craft things we tell you to do with egg cartons, etc., are cool this issue, but will be considered declasse the next.
For food, all the recipes are either something you need to live near the shore or a specialty store for, or are cheats that we either got off of the back of a box or brought home in a box. (Personally, save the money from not buying a subscription to one of these and go to Border’s or similar bookstore where you can really spend time with the book. Go find your self one really good, really wide ranging cook book that covers the basics. Buy yourself a world cook book for adventure. As for the back of the box stuff, places like Kraft, Progresso, etc, often put out cook books...do not buy them until they end up at an outlet store or the Dollar store.) The secret is, like in everything, be willing to experiment. For example, a lot of their “meals in under 30 minutes” were nothing more than buying things pre-made at the store, some of which seems pretty pricey to me. Here, then, is Cindy Lynn’s meals in under 30 minutes recipe. Buy four TV dinners of the same kind. Now, if you’ve been married for around a year or more, Banquet will do. Swanson or even Marie Callander’s meals are strictly when you want something from the person you're having dinner with, such a as wedding ring. Oh, that’s right, I’m supposed to be a today’s woman. Such as sex, then. Though really, I’d rather have a good back rub. Anyway, arrange on plates to suit. Remeber, candles make it hard to see what you're eating. Throw boxes, etc. away OUTSIDE, or failing that, hide in the trunk of your car for later disposal.
Shopping: You can save a lot of money if you: buy bulk, buy things when they’re on sale, buy more than one thing that’s on sale if it’s something you use, look at the end of the aisles and the front of the store for sales, look at the top and bottom shelves because all the whorishly bright and expensive stuff is placed at eye level. Read labels.
Health/Beauty
Running and walking and other exercises are a good way to loose weight. Eat really “reasonable” (re: small) portions and skip pretty much everything that you really really like because it’s probably not good for you, except once in a while. Indulge yourself semi-often! Take naps. Play with your kids to lose weight. Soak your feet, and do things that make you happy, like just sit and listen to music, or cuddle up with a good book. Get up early to maximize the “you” time. Breathe. Chocolate does not, I repeat not, give you zits.
For a makeover, chop your hair. This is what they always do when they give people makeovers, chop and fluff the hair. Buy one set of as expensive as you can get without your loved one killing you make up. Use it with great care and subtlety. And dye your hair. Viola.
Clothes are very. very expensive, even when you get them “cheap.”
Children: See relationships and add that they are very expensive little creatures, they like to say no a lot, and need to be dealt with with subtlety and craftiness. Spend lots of time with them but be willing to give them privacy. Babies cry when they need things. A good book on what to do if they start screaming the theme song to Turandot or what to do if their poo is blue is only needed if you don’t have a good mother to turn to. Bed sheets, garbage bags and old clothes make great Halloween costumes.
Pets: See children.
In short, if you live your life honestly, in an organized manner with lots of common sense and remember to take care of yourself as well as those around you you can use the $2.00 an issue cover price to do something else...like buy everyone a hot fudge sundae.
Permalink Cindy scribed this at 5:52 PM
0 comments
|