But why the rum? Friday, April 16, 2004 In case you've ever wanted to have a day just like one of mine... Get up in the morning, around 8. Blink and smile at the bright sunlight. Decide that today, you're going to clean the kitchen cupboards....check. Start with the closet, taking all the cans out. Scrub away. Dance around when the UPS-man comes with the highpoint of your day. Don't realize that the book and accompanying tee is the only thing that, later, will keep you from, Sylvia Plath-like, sticking your head in the stove...check. Decide that while the closet is drying, you'll clean the cupboard over the fridge. Move fridge. Remove 1 half 5 year old bottle of peach schnapps, 1 quater-full 3 years old bottle of Irish cream and one full bottle of Bicardi Rum, never touched, bought last year on sale. Turn around so that you don't see full bottle of Bicardi rum jump to its death, shattering on the cement floor. Check. Scream, "But why the rum?" not realizing that you're channeling Captain Jack Sparrow until later. Spend a very long time cleaning up. Get glass in the palm of your hand because you were leaning on it, trying to stem the tide of rum. Get glass in your foot because you had no idea that glass shards would fly 50 feet away from the scene of impact. Air out the house, but it doesn't help. Say "F*** the closet", put the stuff away without dusting, scoot back the refrigerator, and decide it's time to clean the inside of it instead. Check. Remove all sorts of things from refrigerator. Amuse yourself by trying to guess whether the grey thing you found in back was once asparagus, celery or an alien baby. Remove the bottom of the refrigerator, even, to clean underneath. Get it stuck when putting it back, force it, and break pieces off of it so now the bottom of your refrigerator wobbles drunkenly. Realize this is the type of day you bought the rum for. (Ooh, the irony.) Hope your mother doesn't realize you busted the floor of her refrigerator. Wonder if the rum killed the germs in the bucket of washwater you used to clean it up. Realize if the germs and pieces of glass didn't kill you, the Mr. Clean probably would. Check. Reassemble the refrigerator. Realize that you'd forgotten all about the closet and go to put the cans back. Hear a weird squealing sound and realize, heaven knows how, that one of the cans of broth now has an air hole in it. Sigh and throw it out. Check. Realize that you still have two closet shelves to go. Realize that you're really not up to it. Decide to go online instead. Can't get online until 9:30 at night. Finally get around to blogging this for the amusement of the world. Hum...ok...check. The moral of the story: Getting up early and clean living doesn't pay off. Not only did I double the amount of work I ended up doing, but because I was trying to be a clean, upright person I never drank any of my rum. If I had partied, stayed up late, slept in later, I would not only not have broken the bottle, but if I had, there wouldn't have been anything in it. The clean up job would have been much faster, and my house wouldn't smell like, well, someone dropped a bottle of rum in it. Permalink Cindy scribed this at 9:37 PM 0 comments

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