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Wednesday, September 05, 2007It’s just…yeah. I’m so worried and upset about so many things, but I don’t want to be all whiney all the time on my journal, so I’ll skip it. Part of it is that it’s not easy being truly moral and good. When I mean moral, I don’t mean the obvious things, don’t sleep with a married man or lie. I mean real morality, real spiritual goodness. It’s not meant to be easy, but sometimes I wish I could be selfless in complete, that I would not want things so powerfully. It would make decisions so much easier. And it would make me hate so much less those who should not be hated. Well, maybe hate is too strong a word. Resentment is better. The thing is, I am also trying to avoid having regrets, because I have a hard time letting things go. I tend to let them fester and feel badly about them. The well pump was fixed Monday…which was wonderful. I am so grateful for that, being able to shower was heaven. It also kept me from risking a Withnail and I-esq moment, because down in the valley that my house overlooks is a creek. And that creek is fenced and gated off, because there’s cows. I’d been contemplating going down to the creek to get water (despite the gate and electric fence) enjoying the idea of exploring old grounds again. I wish that it wasn’t fenced off…before it was, I would spend a lot of time walking down the creek, until I got to the highway over pass. I used to stand under the highway, water trickling around my feet, listening to the cars zooming overhead. It felt like a completely different world, and the contract between it, and between the very old stone bridge that I would have to cross under to go home made the gap seem even bigger. I started this journal post three hours ago and still feel crocky. I wish I’d brought a book – I’m reading Plum Lovin’ with its lurid purple-pink cover and decided I didn’t feel like carrying it with me to work and having anyone look at me oddly. Aha. I know what I will do. I have exactly one dollar. I will go to the local library, use said dollar to buy a book (or three…it’s three paperbacks for a dollar) and then I will go to quiznos. Yes. That should cheer me. I need cheering. I’m catching up at work, and if I have a proper mindset, I will be able to – dare I say it? Write. Labels: ever so low, Spiritual Morality Permalink Cindy scribed this at 11:52 AM 0 comments |